Wow! I was seriously lost and had no idea until Covid hit. I was on track with a relationship, I had just returned from 2 weeks in Costa Rica, my job was going well, I had a new apartment – life seemed good-ish. Until it wasn’t.
My relationship ended, my job closed down, my unemployment was screwed up, I had absolutely no income coming in. I was scared, I was nervous and felt completely alone….
I love this quote ….. “From the ashes, a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring…” — J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
That was my life, ash and darkness. I spent a lot of times walking in the woods taking in nature and fresh air. I did a lot of reflecting on my life as a whole. I realized I had always been a people pleaser, did what was expected of me, put myself last so I could put others first. I was finally starting to see how always being there for others and not taking care of myself was why I was in this place. This place of not knowing how to be ok – being alone.
The truth of the matter is that people aren’t always there for you. You can not depend on others for your happiness. Once I started to see and feel this, something changed. A shift, an epiphany, got a back bone, who knows. But what I do know is I decided to stand up, instead of lay down. I decided to take some action, instead of waiting for things to happen. Instead of waiting for others to make things happen for me. I realized that I had let my entire life pass me by and decided I was pretty much done with that.
It was time to embrace my aloneness. This was a HUGE turning point for me. This is where I realized the more things I did alone, the less alone I felt. That being your own best friend is really a thing. That each new adventure brought me closer to myself AND I realized I’m a pretty cool chick. I liked hanging with me.
The trigger for this shift was disappointment after disappointment. It was in trying to find people to do things with. So, I decided to take a trip, by myself, with the dog, two hours away. This was the first time I had ever done that. I was petrified but did it anyway. I packed a lunch, gassed up the car, got the dog and off I went. I was so relieved when I found the parking lot, I had made it. We got out, walked around, ate some lunch on the rocks, walked around a little in the woods, which was a bit outside my comfort zone, so I decided to call it a day. That first trip, my first solo mission to find myself, showed me I could do whatever I wanted to do, alone. That was the spark that set my life on fire. That one trip opened the door to my living a life I never knew I always wanted.
2020 put my life on the map. I had so many amazing adventures alone, but also with friends. I was able to share my new found love of hiking, I kayaked, I went to the beach, I spent a lot of time with my daughter and grandkids, I skied and the biggest adventure, was a trip to Arcadia National Park – just me and Miss Chula. I’ve found people, places and things that I loved, and let the rest of it fall away.
Life is too short. I’ve had thoughts that I’ve wasted so much time and so much of my life just being and not being a participant. But actually every painful thing that I’ve gone through has made me the person I am today. For that I am grateful.
So, if you have to lose yourself to find yourself, don’t despair. Embrace it, enjoy it, wallow in it because when you come out the other side, life will be sweeter than you could have ever imagined.
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